The weekend has not brought joyous news in regards to online reviews.
For many writers, online reviews are the primary pulse they can apply their fingers to, because writers receive very little actual feedback regarding their books. So, they have to go online to feed their voracious doubts, like – is my book successful? Is it liked? Does anyone get it?
As we’ve now learned, a lot of the feedback we see online is not trustworthy – some writers can, essentially, buy reviews and attention. This is kind of weird for me, because I treat online customer reviews with the same wariness as I do the comments on a news article – the odds of anything intelligent being said are very low, but the odds of reading strung-together swears and racial epithets are very, very high.
Yea, verily, the internet has become marvelously efficient at bringing frustration right into our homes and pockets. And online reviews are definitely a source of some frustration for writers. After a few years of watching them, trends emerge.
So let’s take a stroll, and discover the breeds of online reviews that slowly and steadily shave off numbers not only from a book’s ratings, but also from writers’ life expectations:
The Poor Packager
This book arrived quite damaged. There were water stains on the box, and some of the water got in the box, and it got on the book, and that’s bad, because I don’t want water on my books. Also, the mailman was very rude and I think he went to Auburn (boo Auburn).
Cannot wait to read the book.
0/5 stars
The Clinically Incapable of Giving 5 Stars:
This was THE BEST book of the year! Absolutely phenomenal! Couldn’t put it down. Loved it, from end to end. Amazing. I cannot WAIT for my kids to discover this book! An instant classic for sure!!!!!!
3.5/5 stars
The Didn’t Finish It But Feels Completely Fine With Rating the Whole Thing
I read about three and a half paragraphs of this, and it just didn’t grab me. I was actually being pretty generous – usually I decide if I’ll finish a book within the first three words. (Books whose first sentences start with a “The” or a proper name are usually pretty terrible, you know?)
1/5 stars
The This Was Not the Book I Wanted To Read
This book was set in Victorian England, so I assumed that this book would delve into the mechanical complications and innovations brought about in the hackney carriage industry, and the slow modernization into the popular hansom cabs, which revolutionized transportation and urban design in London. However, this book was about a stupid love story, and I have no idea why anyone would want to read about that.
2/5 stars
The Wildly, Innovatively Glib
The plot elements in this book progressed in a natural fashion which I found satisfying to the appropriate degree. There were characters and the actions of those characters were in tune with the nature of the characters. Events occurred. The majority of the words were arranged in a highly readable fashion, and I could hold this book in my hands, and read it with my eyes. On the whole, I read this book, for this book was readable, and was read, by me.
3/5 stars
The Price Warrior
After checking the price levels of the ebook of this novel against the published, “conventional” version, I think we can all SAFELY agree that this is YET ANOTHER EXAMPLE of the PRICE FIXING publishers BLATANTLY indulge in in order to maintain their STAGNANT, 18th century industry! Can we all agree that both this, AND the RIGGED monopolies of online book purchasing, is an OFFENSE to us, the AMERICAN consumer?!?! Shame on these vile profiteers! Shame!
Book was pretty good, though.
0/5 stars
If you or someone you know has ever left reviews of this sort, please seek help immediately.
Ahhh! The “Poor Packager” and “Incapable of Giving 5 Stars” drive me the most insane (insaniest?). Gah! I’m feeling Hulk-like rage building inside of me just thinking about them.
You left out the people who rave and throw around five star reviews like every book is a modern masterpiece. It’s the opposite end of the spectrum but to me it’s as much of a problem as the other types you listed.
I think “I hated this book so much that I could not finish it” is a useful review – at least from the POV of other readers, anyway. It’s helpful if the reviewer also says *why* they couldn’t finish it – if there’s an elf and they hate elves, I might decide to give it a try anyway, and other people who hate elves are now warned to stay away – but the difference between “I didn’t like this book” and “I disliked this book so much I threw it against the wall” is stark, and an important distinction for people trying to decide if they want to read the book themselves.
Besides, if the first half of the book has a stale plot and flat characters (or what have you), it’s not really going to matter to anyone if it has the best ending ever. You don’t need to eat every bite of a meal to know if you like it or not, you know?
“at least from the POV of other readers, anyway” – I see the Department of Redundancy Department has been visiting my comment. Pretend one of those isn’t there.
I agree that being unable to finish a book can be a testament to its quality, but there are some extreme examples out there. I’ve seen reviews (for myself, friends, really prestigious authors) that say, in essence, “I flipped through this, and nothing grabbed my attention,” which isn’t really a show of good faith on the reader’s part – it’s expecting immediate gratification, which the reading process itself isn’t particularly good at delivering.
I think of this as “The Netflix Phenomena,” which is something I go through every once in a while – I’ll browse Netflix, find something that sounds mildly interesting, watch two minutes of it, and as I watch I grow increasingly aware of all the things I could be watching that would be making me happier immediately, so I stop watching and start browsing again. The sheer amount of options makes it hard to commit.
However, I know I’m in no place to judge the work I just saw. I only saw two minutes of it.
OMG, this is so true! ROFL I haven’t had the Glib (that I know of) but have indeed been the recipient of all the others. Thanks for the laugh!
“I liked this book a lot and I support this author’s work, but I think $10 is outrageous, 0/5 stars and I set fire to his house to protest Amazon’s pricing.”
A cousin to “This Was Not the Book I Wanted To Read” is “This Book Had a Sex Scene / Gay Character / Dog That Was Mistreated by the Villain and I Find That Horribly Objectionable – Zero Stars”
I think you forgot the “I bought this as a gift for someone else so I’m just going to click 3 stars and say I guess my brother/mom/girlfriend liked it well enough”.
Damnit, I spent a lot of time writing those reviews dude.
It is the same on any online review site… My wife often has fun browsing through insane reviews on travel review sites where they blame hotels for the weather or the fact the shop down the road was closed on a sunday. Some people just do not understand how the world works. Maybe there should be a review review site where we can criticise badly written reviews and laud really good ones that actually, you know, criticise the book constructively with relevant points as if they were, I dunno, actually reviewing it or something?
Sorry, no, I realise that the last point is an insane dream which will never occur… still, I am up for setting up ‘reviewbashing.com’ if anyone else wants to help me with it?
Though then there may be reviewreviewbashing.com and at that point we get rather recursive and silly…
Reviews like this, even though I’m not published, make me kind of sick
Reblogged this on James Calbraith and commented:
More on reviews – looks like it’s fashionable these days
The Grammer[sic] Nazi:
“While I enjoyed the book thorolly, I found several typeos and, interpuncion mistaeks especially on pages 25, 138 and, 315. I find this unacceptabble.
2/5″
There’s no excuse for books not to be well edited and polished when released. If you don’t think grammar matters you shouldn’t be a writer.
The point, you’ve missed.
Oh no! I have to go back and read my reviews. Sometimes I use so many, many words. I sure hope they say something.
This was awesome. I was reading these outloud in the office I share with Larry Correia, the author of Monster Hunter International. So freaking awesome!
As a reviewer, those type of reviews drive me nuts too. No reviewer is going to be perfect all the time, but those kinds of reviews are just plain stupid. I was infuriated by a review I’d read a while back, that I wrote up a list of rules that reviewers should follow. They actually go pretty well with this blog post.
http://elitistbookreviews.blogspot.com/2012/06/how-to-review-books-ebr-way.html
Steve
Elitist Book Reviews
PS – Loved COMPANY MAN. Looking forward to your next novel.
Thanks, Steve! It’s actually out already –
Er, weird – link didn’t come through. It’s called, “The Troupe,” and more can be found here: http://robertjacksonbennett.wordpress.com/the-troupe/
I have no idea how I missed that one…I was looking at American Elsewhere. But I will pick up The Troupe (or try to get Orbit to send me a copy).
Of course there’s also the reviews so unbelievably batshit it’s hard to know where to begin. Last night I read an Amazon review of “The Phantom Tollbooth” comparing it to Mein Kampf.
I don’t know. I just don’t fucking know.
Then there’s the person who has it backwards and thinks that 1 star = best and 5 stars = worst. No, seriously, they’re out there. I’ve seen them.
I got a beautiful one this morning, and by beautiful I mean craptacular. My latest book was ripped to tatters by a paid employee of another publisher. Conflict of intererest, anyone?
Excellent! This made my day. It was the BEST blog post I’ve seen all week – thank you
2.5 stars.
You had to go there, Dianna
Pursonilly, i fond yur rispinse to thas pust to be full of grama errurs and incurrect spallings 5 stars
LOL! I was surprised no one beat me to it
Reblogged this on writingvortex and commented:
So true!
This is hilarious if sadly true. I also read one reviewer’s comment that he gave every book he reviewed one star, even if he loved the book, just so he would make sure his reviews got read. There is a certain twisted logic in that but it made me groan and thump my forehead on my desk.
Ha. I love This was not the book I wanted to read. One of my books once received a one-star review because it was set in 1889 but was NOT about Jack the Ripper. Product description, m*therf*cker, DID YOU READ IT? =)
I get so many of these. We should start a support group. I get so many truly goofy reviews.
“This book’s description really caught my attention, but I don’t like books like this and I didn’t like this one.” Guess I can write a blurb like a boss.
Mostly I just roll my eyes at silly reviews. They pay their bucks, they can do what they want with it. If saying they didn’t finish it because they don’t like men who wear pink is what gives them a special boost in their day, well, it gives me an excellent excuse to drink more gin.
Support group? Hell yes… sign me up for that one!
My personal favorites are the “Armchair Grammarian” (“Don’t use so many commas!!!” Of course! Sorry, hadn’t realized I was over the limit), the “Xenophobe” (“This book, set in Pastafaria, written by a native Pastafarian, with Pastafarian characters, uses too much Pastafarian slang!”), and, of course, the “Demi-Literate Internet Troll” (“TITS OR GTFO” … on a book review).
I never left a review like any of these, but now I am tempted. lol
Great post! I once had a 2/5 star review with the comment “I haven’t read it yet.” I would label that The I’m Hilarious Review.
I loved this. Really. Hysterical. Both in a funny and terribly depressing been-there-hated-that way.
Brilliant! I’ve had a couple of “The This Was Not the Book I Wanted To Read” when my book has been on a free promo. It’s a non-fiction Tudor history book and I get reviewers slating it because it’s not a novel. Sometimes I really want to comment back and point out that they’d know that if they read its blurb, but I just sit on my hands!
Brilliant! As someone who’s endured his own fair share of irritating reviews (esp of the ‘This Was Not the Book I Wanted To Read’ type) I found this blog suitably entertaining and amusing. 5/5
)
How come any of those idiots came up with an idea of reading a book at all?
Now I want to go and review all my online reviews. LOL
Had a co-worker who threatened to give my book a terrible review on Amazon because I didn’t give her a free copy. She was disuaded by her sister who said that it wouldn’t be right unless she had actually read the book.
That’s genuinely awful.
I think my favorite is when people review something that hasn’t come out, and base it on news reports or past material from the creator. Come on. That doesn’t even make sense! You clearly just have a grudge.
Funny how so many of the irritating ones are left by anonymous reviewers.
Thanks for this-made me laugh in recognition!
You left out the people who rave and throw around five star reviews like every book is a modern masterpiece. It’s the opposite end of the spectrum but to me it’s as much of a problem as the other types you listed.
They don’t drive writers nuts, though.
I agree. I’ve seen many 5 stars reviews out there for something that is barely readable and maybe they don’t drive the writers nuts, but they are misleading and inappropriate. I know right away those reviews are from their friends and family. I’m not talking about the writing style, or even the plot. I’m talking about simple rules of grammar and editing issues.
Nobody had a problem with reviews until overly sensitive self published writers were invented. If every crap tastic self published book was really the five stars people claimed them to be they’d win book awards.
Instead every crap book is rewarded with five stars just because they exist. Just because your friends want to be nice.
Again, this didn’t exist until self published sensitive folks came along and started whining about it.
Some of these read like copy and paste type of reviews. Especially The Wildly, Innovatively Glib. And so it’s The clinically incapable of giving 5 stars. The reviews are too generic that could be applied to any book or an article. If I receive such reviews I’d seriously doubt the person read the book at all.
I made these all up. These are not specific examples.
I’m not clinically unable to give 5 stars, but I do give them out parsimoniously.
I agree about all these types, but let’s not forget the exact opposite of them – the strange and powerful Harriet Klausner, who gives everything at least 4 stars, usually 5, and reads, like, 10,000 books per year.